just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
