I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
