dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
How does it feel to date your dad?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
