I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
