does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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