Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Randomize
