somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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