meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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