is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
