I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
if only i could text you this smell
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
