you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
