I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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