My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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