be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Randomize
