why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
