if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
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