You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
