My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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