When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
