3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize