Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
