i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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