dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
