My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
