I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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