I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
