Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
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