my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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