there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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