I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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