I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I cut my penus on the lid.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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