You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
