2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
