So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
