I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize