Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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