NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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