i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize