i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
