I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
