I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Randomize
