He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
