I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
