I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Blood and glitter go together right?
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
