Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
