you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
