im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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