I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
