can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
