i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Randomize
