Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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