You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
