Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
MIDGETS
????
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
