You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
