i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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