why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
